I always dread Thanksgiving. My mother-in law is a horrible cook. I am a good cook. On the one day that the whole nation celebrates food and eating, I sit in front of gross food. Really, some of it is straight from a can. I have tried to suggest to my husband that every other year the whole family come to our house. But I know that is unrealistic. We have a small apartment while she has a big house with a large dining room. Do you understand why this upsets me so much?
Dr. J replies:
The fact that you realize it bothers you out of proportion to the real life event is a step in the right direction. Holidays always have special meanings, and it sounds like you feel entitled to have a wonderful meal on that particular day. But I wonder if the focus on the quality of the food is to compensate for something missing in the quality of the whole family being together. There are few relationships more inherently ambivalent than those between a woman and her mother-in-law. It is a relationship that easily lends itself to power struggles and loyalty concerns. I think that it would be helpful to think about whether your resentment has other deeper sources. And be glad that most of the time you get to control the quality of what you eat in a way that you can’t on this one day.