Dear Dr. J.,
I am 40 years old, healthy, divorced, no kids, a good income. I would describe myself as a “guy’s guy” if you know what I mean…I like action, sports, money, beer, cigars. I am impatient, goal oriented, ambitious, can have a bit of a rough mouth if I feel bossed around, but I have a good heart. I would say this temper thing was a big part of why my marriage didn’t work out. But I wouldn’t be reading this website if I didn’t have a whopper of a problem…worse to me than divorce.
Let me be clear…I don’t believe in therapy…its definitely not for me. I am not a talker. I go to the gym…that’s my therapy…and these days I am going all the time. Before work, after work. Too bad my penis isn’t a muscle! I’d be cured.
But I am curious about what you think about my problem.
If I go out with a woman who seems “nice” but not that attractive, I function pretty normally in bed. But if I meet a woman who I find really “hot”, someone I am really interested in, I ejaculate the second I come inside her. This is what I mean when I say “my penis is broken”. This pattern has happened to me on a bunch of occasions so it can’t be a fluke thing. I googled “erectile dysfunction” but it seemed to be mostly for guys who can’t get it up. Not my issue.
So, this is humiliating and infuriating. What is going on and how do it fix it?
Dr. J replies:
Your penis is not broken; quite the reverse…it is connected, as it should be, with your heart and your mind. I realize that you envy men who can function sexually regardless of the person they are with and how they feel about them. But apparently you are not wired to be that type of guy. What is so humiliating to you is your loss of control over your macho image, and your privacy. Your body is disclosing far more information than you wish.
What I noticed in your posting is that you make no reference to when this problem began and its relationship to your marriage and divorce. The impression I get is that you do not link the emotional consequences of your divorce to what is happening to you now. But perhaps that is something to think about. It suggests that this break-up has been quite painful and has stirred up issues around vulnerability and intimacy.
For a woman, being able to seduce a man with beauty or sex appeal is a kind of power. Women who are unattractive to you do not have that kind of power over you. You don’t crave them. They do not threaten your ability to simply walk away. So you have no “need” for a sexual symptom, and you function normally. A symptom frequently represents a conflict between a wish and a fear. It is a painful irony to be able to have sex with women who pose no threat, while being unable to be a more adequate lover to someone you see as desirable.
Desirable women, in the sense of obviously attractive women, are probably not only desirable to you, but to other men as well. So, your anxiety that you can’t “measure up” in this department probably only increases your feelings of inadequacy. So, it can create a self-perpetuating situation. The more anxious you are, the more quickly you are likely to ejaculate.
Sexual functioning is a complex matter, easily affected not only by self-esteem issues and competitive issues, but also by fears of closeness. I have written elsewhere on this blog about intimacy issues. Perhaps take a look at these postings to better understand what I mean by “fears of closeness”.
So… what do you do now?
Despite your current sense of humiliation, this is a symptom that exists, in part, because your mind and body are linked. As much as it frustrates you, it is ultimately an opportunity to learn about a reality which you try to reject or deny…that you are a person with feelings. Not just feelings which get in the way, but feelings which are essential radar for emotional survival, atunement to others, good judgment, and for a sense of purpose and fulfillment in your life as a whole.
Being a “macho man” is itself a stereotype, and stereotypes confine and restrict self-perceptions as well as perceptions of others. By defining yourself as a man who does not either have or value feelings, you are banishing a valuable part of yourself. It is as if you feel having feelings means you are not masculine, tough and strong. These are old ways of thinking which fortunately are losing their hold on American culture. They often contribute to a lonely and superficial existence.
So, premature ejaculation is like an alarm going off in the middle of the night…it means that there are emotional issues which need to be addressed. In the process of doing so, this is a symptom that often resolves itself spontaneously.
Dating takes time and you are not someone who can just have sex because you feel turned on. Part of maturity is accepting this. Some men can, but you cannot. Under your macho persona is a sensitive person, and this may come as an unwelcome surprise. You need to know someone and feel safe with them before you can have “good sex” with them. If you are sexually symptomatic, talk about it with your partner and pleasure her in other ways. Try to be optimistic that with the right person your functioning will become normal, although you may always be someone whose body will follow your heart.