Dear Dr. J,

My daughter is 15. We fight incessantly. My husband says I need to be the adult, but I get so enraged that I explode. This happens at least once a day and it is creating havoc in our household. Our son, who is 18, and college-bound, stays at his friend’s house because he hates the screaming. I feel like a failure as a mother. My husband, daughter and son all seem united “against me”. I feel that no one in the family respects me. Do you have any suggestions? I feel very discouraged.

Dr. J replies,

Fortunately, adolescence does not last forever. In the meantime, it seems that your daughter has split you and your husband, and he is being critical at a time when you desperately need his support. However, you have given your daughter the power to regulate your self-esteem, more power than is good for either of you. She is not your peer.
Your self esteem cannot rest on her approval. You will feel better about yourself when you get your own temper under control. Then you can feel like an adult with a steamy teen.

If your daughter has her own room, I suggest that the moment she begins to insult or demean you, you quietly yet firmly tell her to go to her room. Terminate any conversation in which there is obvious “attitude”. Tell her you are willing to talk when her tone is appropriate. This approach is amazing effective if you are unerringly consistent and speak from a place of clarity, not turmoil.

Another technique, which seems simplistic, may also be helpful. Walk away or even briefly leave the house…until you are back in control. Don’t hesitate to say you need time to reflect before you respond to a demand. As much as you and your daughter struggle, remember that she needs a mother, and wants you to be able to survive her attacks intact.

As for your son, the screaming may or may not be why he leaves home. He is at an age where he needs to separate.The tension provides a pretext in which he can experiment with leaving and returning.

Lastly, arrange to talk with other mothers, perhaps the mothers of your daughter’s friends. You are likely to hear some similar stories. This may shore up your shaky self-esteem.

Tags: Adolescence, anger, self-esteem