Death in the family: Changing Expectations
Dear Dr. J,
My mother died two years ago, leaving my 77 year old step-father alone. My mother married him when I was a young teen, and I was never close to him. Now that he is widowed, he expects my family to be his family. Before this we visited them once a year, and spoke on the phone only intermittently.
He now feels entitled to a whole new level of connection, which I don’t want. He and I had a very awkward conversation about this. I finally burst out, “You are not even a real relative!” We both started to cry… I am not even sure why. I guess we both realize now how much my mother held the family together, and created a feeling of family that doesn’t exist without her. But what do I do now?
Dr. J. replies:
Even though your mother died 2 years ago, you and your father-in-law are both still mourning her and adjusting to her absence. So, both of you may feel more raw and needy than usual, and hence more entitled to have your needs met.
Another thing to think about is that you both are in uncharted territory as to appropriate attentiveness and expectations. The fact that he is not a blood relative is less relevant than superficial quality of your relationship since he joined your family, now many years ago.
Another factor is that you are at a phase in your life where many demands are being placed on you. You have a family, and I am assuming that means a partner and children, each with their own schedules and commitments. So, if your step-father is physically able to travel, you may need to explain to him why “visiting” is probably going to mean his coming to see you, not vice versa. I can’t tell from this brief synopsis whether you really want to be “attentive” (and what that would entail), or if just feel it is your obligation, perhaps out of respect for your mother.
If your step-father is not computer literate, suggest that he become so. Email contact may help to him feel connected while not absorbing too much of your time. If you could have a conversation in which you could acknowledge his unmet expectations, that would be very helpful. Tell him you are aware that you are disappointing him. Do so with kindness rather than self-righteousness. It will be easier for him to tolerate your limitations than your obliviousness.
Certainly gently encourage him to rebuild his life. That may gradually ease his loneliness, and hence the implicit and explicit demands on you. We live in a time when transgenerational expectations are relatively undefined, and this is contributing to a good deal of the tension between you. Your outburst suggests you feel a lot of pressure to be the caretaker. It may be that over time you will both redefine your relationship to one another.
Tags: death, family expectations, Step-parents