My husband and I both have full time jobs. I make dinner most nights and he is supposed to do the dishes afterwards. Fair? He does them very quickly and does a horrible job. After he leaves the kitchen I go in and check them before putting them away. I frequently end up doing them over, which is very annoying. Is he blind? But if I say anything he gets very irritated. He says I am being a “control freak”. I feel he is provoking me, but then I wonder if I am being paranoid. This seems like a petty thing, but then for the rest of the night I feel distant. I feel manipulated. It’s clearly effective because I often feel it would be simpler to do them myself. But I don’t want to just set a precedent of “giving in”. Can you suggest a better way to handle this sistuation?

Dr. J replies:

I think it would be helpful to think about whether you see your partner as collaborative or combative in general. If you usually function as a team and the situation with the dishes is an exception, you have two choices. Gracefully accept his version of clean, or do the dishes yourself. All relationships have hidden inequities, and, ironically each partner may feel he or she does just a bit more of the “work”. It is probably more important to keep your relationship intact than have him do the dishes. Role differentiation has been around a lot longer than role equality. No arrangement guarantees harmony.

Tags: Collaboration, conflict resolution