Dear Dr. J,

I live with a roommate in Manhattan, a nice guy. We went to college together. For the first month or so, we were psyched about having a grown-up place. Then he started dating this ridiculous girl. She is horribly messy, and gradually he got messy as well. The two of them just trash this place and think it’s funny. I am embarrassed to be living in a pigsty. I am an adult now, not a kid. My roommate says I am over-reacting…that I just shouldn’t do the clean up, and then I won’t be mad. He says, “Just relax, man, folks our age don’t give a shit”…that kind of thing. I am considering breaking our lease and moving out…but that does seem a bit “over the top”. Plus I hate confrontations. What do you suggest?

Dr. J replies,

On the surface of this, this is a situation in which you are being blackmailed with your distaste for confrontation.
If you and you roommate have known one another since college days, he must know or intuit this about you. On the other hand, you bear some responsibility for getting yourself into this situation. You chose to live with someone who clearly has little regard for your feelings. So, while this seems to be a situation about messiness, I think a different level of messiness is more the issue, meaning that you made this arrangement without knowing “emotionally” who you were choosing to live with.

This is an occasion where no one will protect you if you don’t protect yourself. Many people prefer to avoid confrontations, but sometimes they are necessary. However, there is a crucial difference between self-assertion and aggression. Your comments imply a very “all or nothing” stance. There is usually a middle ground. Simply leaving, with no discussion, is not helpful for your self esteem or for developing interpersonal skills.

The very fabric of civilization depends on rules, dialogue and mutual respect. Consider this an opportunity. Words are powerful tools. See if you can use them to turn a bad situation around.

Tags: Communication, confrontation, self-assertion