I gleefully headed off to college shortly after the world fell apart on 9/11. Here I am, some 4 years later, a deflated recent grad. No one is hiring someone without much life experience and only slightly average grades. It didn’t take long to figure out I couldn’t spring for rent, and I’d have to move back home. A total bummer. I wake up in my old room, seeing high school prom photos. I feel a time warp around this. Like 4 years just disappeared. I was used to hanging out with my friends, staying out late, drinking, no one saying, ”All I ask is that you tell me when you are coming home for dinner”. This is my mom talking, in her sweet, guilt trippy way.

Its been a year now and no real job. Just odds and ends. My folks are getting to the nag,nag,nag stage. It’s doing a number on my self-esteem. “Are you sure you are really looking hard enough?” Or, “You know, you can’t be too picky in your situation”. I’m discouraged too and don’t need this from them. They think I have free rent and free food, so its not a bad deal. They don’t think about how I feel, namely, that I have lost my freedom and my privacy. Some distance is healthy…this feels bad, sticky. I try to remind myself this is mostly about a historical event, a recession, nothing personal, but I still feel like shit.

The first months home were ok. Now we are fighting about everything. They should be glad I am saving up to go to grad school so I can get out of here and on with my life. But the reality is…that is 2 years off. Any advice as to how to cope with this interim…it is really depressing.

Dr. J. replies;

There are no easy answers…this is a tough and all too common situation, and it helps to remember that your parents probably find it stressful and inconvenient too, even if they don’t let on. Why all the fighting?

People fight to make boundaries. You may remember this from your teenage years, and psychologically, this is not so different. This unwelcome reunion disrupts a basic developmental cycle, at least in our culture. Once adult children leave home, many parents look forward to having less responsibility. They can focus more on themselves, and have another chance at life as a couple. For you, being around them fosters a regressive pull towards being the child that is still dormant inside of you. They are also feeling a “cramp” in their freedom. Resentment builds on both sides.

There are a few things that help, even though they don’t alter the basic problem. Civility helps, rules help, clear expectations help; they can minimize your sense of entrapment. Doing your part, including paying some portion of the rent or mortgage, or sharing chores, lessens their sense of exploitation. Communicate your plans, even if this is a drag, so they know how to plan. No one could have forseen this outcome post graduation. It is always a bit of a blow to feel historical events shaping your life when you had hoped for more control. This phase of life is temporary, so try to make the best of it. Your parents won’t be around forever.

My father is an immigrant, in poor health, and fearful of doctors. He lives alone and wants me with him at all his appointments. His English is poor. He has many medical crises and ends up in and out of emergency rooms. Taking care of him wears me out. I pity him but also feel frustrated. He won’t change his ways. He smokes, overeats, and won’t exercise. I want us to be close in this remaining time, yet I am always furious at him. Why am I so cold to him? I know he would change if he could.

Dr. J replies:

Caring for an aging and ill parent is exhausting and frequently unrewarding. I am sure you would rather believe your father would change if he could than see it as a “choice”. Yet part of you does register his refusal to help himself, and this makes you angry. While you may love him, he is also a burden. He may not understand the toll it takes on you, and even if he did, that would not change the situation. I don’t know if you are in a financial position to hire help, but there are social services available to ease the demands on you.

Another factor that often contributes to anger at a dying parent is a sense of imminent abandonment. Even though you may intellectually grasp that you are no longer a child needing his protection, there is always a dependent “child self” residing within the adult. So this part feels you are losing an indispensable relationship. To the extent that part of you still sees him as invulnerable or omnipotent, you may experience his dying as a betrayal. On the other hand, he may have been a disappointing parent, and you must face that you will never have a more adequate one. So, all of these factors may contribute to your feelings of anger.

Lastly, anger is a feeling which blocks out other feelings. As you indicated, you feel cold and detached, perhaps sometimes numb. These are all ways of coping. It may make caring for him more mechanical, less of an intrusion into your own life. Certainly, it eases your pain. However, this form of coping comes with a price, and the cost is regret. Without placing unrealistic expectations on yourself, see if you can find a way to communicate your warmer feelings, as well as your gratitude for whatever he has offered you.