I gleefully headed off to college shortly after the world fell apart on 9/11. Here I am, some 4 years later, a deflated recent grad. No one is hiring someone without much life experience and only slightly average grades. It didn’t take long to figure out I couldn’t spring for rent, and I’d have to move back home. A total bummer. I wake up in my old room, seeing high school prom photos. I feel a time warp around this. Like 4 years just disappeared. I was used to hanging out with my friends, staying out late, drinking, no one saying, ”All I ask is that you tell me when you are coming home for dinner”. This is my mom talking, in her sweet, guilt trippy way.

Its been a year now and no real job. Just odds and ends. My folks are getting to the nag,nag,nag stage. It’s doing a number on my self-esteem. “Are you sure you are really looking hard enough?” Or, “You know, you can’t be too picky in your situation”. I’m discouraged too and don’t need this from them. They think I have free rent and free food, so its not a bad deal. They don’t think about how I feel, namely, that I have lost my freedom and my privacy. Some distance is healthy…this feels bad, sticky. I try to remind myself this is mostly about a historical event, a recession, nothing personal, but I still feel like shit.

The first months home were ok. Now we are fighting about everything. They should be glad I am saving up to go to grad school so I can get out of here and on with my life. But the reality is…that is 2 years off. Any advice as to how to cope with this interim…it is really depressing.

Dr. J. replies;

There are no easy answers…this is a tough and all too common situation, and it helps to remember that your parents probably find it stressful and inconvenient too, even if they don’t let on. Why all the fighting?

People fight to make boundaries. You may remember this from your teenage years, and psychologically, this is not so different. This unwelcome reunion disrupts a basic developmental cycle, at least in our culture. Once adult children leave home, many parents look forward to having less responsibility. They can focus more on themselves, and have another chance at life as a couple. For you, being around them fosters a regressive pull towards being the child that is still dormant inside of you. They are also feeling a “cramp” in their freedom. Resentment builds on both sides.

There are a few things that help, even though they don’t alter the basic problem. Civility helps, rules help, clear expectations help; they can minimize your sense of entrapment. Doing your part, including paying some portion of the rent or mortgage, or sharing chores, lessens their sense of exploitation. Communicate your plans, even if this is a drag, so they know how to plan. No one could have forseen this outcome post graduation. It is always a bit of a blow to feel historical events shaping your life when you had hoped for more control. This phase of life is temporary, so try to make the best of it. Your parents won’t be around forever.

I dated this guy for about 2 months and I thought, ”Wow, this could really work”. He even seemed enthusiastic about being the step-dad to my two young sons. We started planning this vacation together with the boys…taking them to Disney. I was so thrilled because this is something my husband would never have done. My ex… he was an avid golfer…he would say, “ Trust me, I’ll be better with the kids when they are older”…yeah…when they were older he left altogether. But that was probably for the best.

Well, anyway, the worst possible thing happened. A week before we, meaning the new boyfriend, my boys and me were supposed to leave, he called and said he had to talk to me. He sounded tense and serious. I thought something was wrong with his Dad (because he Dad was supposed to go in for some bypass surgery) but no…he said it was about us. So,I got a babysitter for that night and met him for coffee.

My heart was pounding and my tongue felt like a wad of cotton…but I was actually clueless about what was coming. But it was bad. He said, “Listen, I need to take a break. I can’t go on this vacation with you, or with the kids…I can’t step into this Dad role…we’ve been playing house…we hardly know each other…I’ll call you sometime…OK?…maybe we can be friends…” In retrospect, I wonder if there were “signs”…but at the time I was completely shocked. Should I have seen this coming?

Dr. J replies:

I don’t get the sense that you are good at reading the subtle cues by which couples signal one another about escalating involvement and attachment. While symbiotic or parasitic modes of relating truly are deadening, avoidance of vulnerability and interdependence does not help relationships develop “to the next level”, whatever that level may be. I would particularly caution about confusing sexual passion and genuine connection. In fact, when two people are not becoming friends at the same rate that they are having sex, gradually, the sexual passion will diminish. The very factors that constituted the “glue” of the early relationship must be supplemented by growing trust and genuine intimacy.

Intimacy problems and fears are universal. Yours are just more obvious, because you are not in a committed relationship, but I assure you many marriages suffer equally from a lack of true intimacy. Without any specifics, I can suggest some of the issues which make intimacy difficult to achieve and even more challenging to sustain.

These are offered in no order…what is salient for one person may be less salient for someone else. Becoming close to someone means letting them see aspects of you which you feel are undesirable, and perhaps even letting them in on what you consider your “deep dark secrets”, the parts of you which make you feel vulnerable, out-of-control, or weak.

There is no intimacy without risk and multiple moments of courageous self-revelation, and it takes courage precisely because there are no guarantees that your partner can embrace all of you, including what you struggle with in yourself. But such disclosures, properly paced, can build deep trust and texture in your love.

Another fraught arena concerns power and the ability and willingness to negotiate and compromise. Particularly as relationships have less defined gender roles, partnerships require empathy, flexibility, and willingness to modify comfortable patterns. Being able to do what you want when you want to do it may constitute autonomy for the single person, but can “selfishness” in a couple.

I think relationships are “living” systems that develop, just as people develop. As couples spend time together, the inevitable idealization of early infatuation is replaced by a fuller knowledge of the other. So, often couples pull away at the point where some of this idealization falls away. At such junctures, sometimes there is some sense of disappointment, and the uncomfortable awareness that the disappointment can go both ways.
This is a sensitive time, requiring some hope and faith that these feelings will evolve into a less idealized but also more substantial and realistic notion of what makes your partner “tick”. Intimacy requires that each partner tolerate being in a relationship in whch they are not seen as “perfect” and in which their partner is not “perfect” either. This in turn may require not only some healthy self-acceptance but also the capacity to forgive. However, these revised notions lack the fragility of idealizations and are far more likely to lead to feelings of being truly seen and hence truly loved.

Again, to return the questions implied at the beginning of this vignette,(and I realize you probably don’t want to hear this), a relational or interpersonal form of therapy might really be helpful, something which examines the “here and now” in the room, and which helps you identify the particular issues which jeopardize intimacy for you. While people often want to solve their “issues” without outside help, the key pieces of the puzzle are often not consciously available. Or, someone can’t put what they “know” into words to discuss it with someone they already trust. The existence of an unconscious means we can’t always figure out our own “stuff”. But that is precisely what relational therapies are good at, and hence it is their “beauty” in unlocking and revealing fears of intimacy.

Dr. J replies:

I think it would be helpful to think about whether you see your partner as collaborative or combative in general. If you usually function as a team and the situation with the dishes is an exception, you have two choices. Gracefully accept his version of clean, or do the dishes yourself. All relationships have hidden inequities, and, ironically each partner may feel he or she does just a bit more of the “work”. It is probably more important to keep your relationship intact than have him do the dishes. Role differentiation has been around a lot longer than role equality. No arrangement guarantees harmony.

I have been married for 2 years now. On Valentine’s Day,my husband and I had a romantic dinner. In the middle of the meal my husband said he had a special surprise for me. He handed me an envelope with a hefty check inside. I said, “What is this about?”

He said it was to pay for my “boob job”. I was shocked. We had never discussed this…I didn’t know it was an issue for him and it has never been an issue for me. I am a tall and slim woman, with blue eyes and long, naturally blonde hair. He always said I was beautiful. Suppose I said to him, “Honey, let’s get your genitals enlarged”. I am angry and hurt. I have been sleeping on the couch, fantasizing about leaving him. Is this a glitch or a terrible thing that happened?

Dr. J replies:

There is no question that this was very insensitive on your husband’s part, packaged as a Valentine’s Day “gift”, apparently a gift for him, not for you. Despite its apparent innocence, it was handled in a destructive way and demeaning way, unless this is just a more obvious example of an ongoing dynamic in the marriage to devalue you.

There are several issues that seem urgent here. The two of you have poor communication skills and I suspect this is just the “tip of the iceberg” in terms of a lack of real intimacy and understanding.

I wonder why your husband seeks this stereotypical sexiness in you at all, and why is this issue surfacing now…you certainly sound like an alluring woman as you are. I wonder if something in his life is making him feel insecure or diminished, and oddly, changing your appearance seems to be the “answer”. Is he a sadist in sheep’s clothing?

You should feel comfortable rejecting any cosmetic procedure, especially something you do not desire for yourself. I think what is most salient about this incident is that it exposes unacknowledged trouble in your marriage. That, not surgery, is what needs to be addressed.

I live with a roommate in Manhattan, a nice guy. We went to college together. For the first month or so, we were psyched about having a grown-up place. Then he started dating this ridiculous girl. She is horribly messy, and gradually he got messy as well. The two of them just trash this place and think it’s funny. I am embarrassed to be living in a pigsty. I am an adult now, not a kid. My roommate says I am over-reacting…that I just shouldn’t do the clean up, and then I won’t be mad. He says, “Just relax, man, folks our age don’t give a shit”…that kind of thing. I am considering breaking our lease and moving out…but that does seem a bit “over the top”. Plus I hate confrontations. What do you suggest?

Dr. J replies,

On the surface of this, this is a situation in which you are being blackmailed with your distaste for confrontation.
If you and you roommate have known one another since college days, he must know or intuit this about you. On the other hand, you bear some responsibility for getting yourself into this situation. You chose to live with someone who clearly has little regard for your feelings. So, while this seems to be a situation about messiness, I think a different level of messiness is more the issue, meaning that you made this arrangement without knowing “emotionally” who you were choosing to live with.

This is an occasion where no one will protect you if you don’t protect yourself. Many people prefer to avoid confrontations, but sometimes they are necessary. However, there is a crucial difference between self-assertion and aggression. Your comments imply a very “all or nothing” stance. There is usually a middle ground. Simply leaving, with no discussion, is not helpful for your self esteem or for developing interpersonal skills.

The very fabric of civilization depends on rules, dialogue and mutual respect. Consider this an opportunity. Words are powerful tools. See if you can use them to turn a bad situation around.