I am 25 years old, live in a big city, and would like to have a boyfriend. I have friends who go to social gatherings, bars, or clubs, but I can’t see myself in that kind of setting, and I also don’t see myself meeting someone through work. I am attractive but lack self-confidence. I am shy in groups. Of my friends who have boyfriends, they met them in college or grad school. I know many people who are in this position.

The obvious thing to try is website dating, but I am terrified. I have never tried to describe myself, and I could never put into words what I value in myself. It don’t want to feel like an object or a commodity. I hear stories of people who misrepresent themselves online and I would feel so vulnerable. My roommate got together with someone she met online, and after a few dates she learned he actually lived in a different city, was married, and had kids. It was a very bad experience. She is a very sensitive person, and has trouble trusting anyway, and I think I am a lot like that myself.

I know a big part of this is feeling ashamed. I feel like a failure because I don’t know how to go about this. Some people seem born knowing how to flirt but it’s not like I can ask someone to teach me this. My friends tell me that website dating is the norm now and I shouldn’t feel like a “loser”, but I still do. Do you have any advice for me?

Dr. J replies:

It can be difficult to meet potential partners, particularly in big cities.However, until you develop some confidence in your ability to read people socially, and until you develop the capacity to describe yourself and what you are looking for, you might want to wait until you feel less vulnerable and more defined as a person.
It is unclear if you want a boyfriend, or feel you need one to prove you are not deficient in some way. I don’t know if you want companionship and fun, or whether you are seeking deeper kind of intimacy. It may be hard to know this in the abstract. You are a young woman and this may be a time to cultivate your interests, your independence, and a career. Not having a boyfriend at the age of 25 does not mean you are socially inadequate, even if you would prefer to be dating. On the other hand, you do seem to portray yourself as shy, insecure, and perhaps lacking in life experience.

You might try making a narrative about your life and discussing it with a friend, or perhaps keeping a private journal in which you practice describing yourself. Notice what interests you and gives you pleasure. Do you have hobbies which you pursue on your own? Do you feel your impressions of other people are basically on target or in some way idiosyncratic? For example, do you feel most people are judging you critically or tend to dislike you?

When you are in groups, try to observe non-verbal communications as well as what people say and do…notice that people talk with their eyes and hands, as well as how they move their bodies. People are attuned to the physical distance between themselves and others, and people also choose where to place themselves in a room. Are they standing, sitting, lying down and so forth. How are they speaking… is it a whisper or too loud…is their language sophisticated or crude, simple or articulate and intellectual? Do they seem to be trying to create a particular impression? How are they dressed and does it seem appropriate? Do you attend to their facial expressions?

Do you feel people are interested in getting to know you? Equally important, are you interested in getting to know them? Are you so preoccupied with the possibility of rejection that it eclipses the possibility of pleasurable connection? People who flirt are skillful at using non-verbal communication to signal their availability or their sexual desirability. No one can teach you how to do this but your own powers of observation. However, some people smile and brighten when approached, and others frown or look blank. Do not underestimate how much these cues affect other people and signal your receptivity or aloofness.

There is no easy remedy for shyness, but sincere curiosity is very helpful. Pay attention to your own feelings and remember that if you are feeling vulnerable or concerned about rejection, there is a reasonable chance that the other person is feeling similar feelings. Most people are grateful if someone else can take the initiative in saying the first “ hello”.

With regard to using websites for dating, there is no question that it requires some savvy and experience, and an ability to use “personal radar” to pick up inconsistencies. Most sites allow for several weeks of email communication before setting up a place to meet, and be sure to meet in public places until you feel comfortable. Once you meet someone in person, you can usually tell fairly quickly if the relationship is something you wish to pursue. Exit tactfully but promptly if there is no chemistry. Be prepared to be patient and to screen many people… advantages of technology are volume and speed. In essence, efficiency.

Internet dating requires maintaining a balance between the wish to be pleasing and the wish to be pleased. It requires honesty and an alertness concerning the integrity of the other. Pay careful attention to reliability…frequent cancellations bode poorly for the future. If you can establish acquaintances or experiences in common, that is very helpful. The internet is a widely used tool, but certainly contains no promise of obtaining a boyfriend. While it may have had some stigma in a prior decade, there is nothing intrinsically demeaning about it. It gives you access to a broad range of people, without any guarantees, which is true of any social situation. It requires some balance between cynicism and optimism, and being prepared for some measured risk-taking.

I dated this guy for about 2 months and I thought, ”Wow, this could really work”. He even seemed enthusiastic about being the step-dad to my two young sons. We started planning this vacation together with the boys…taking them to Disney. I was so thrilled because this is something my husband would never have done. My ex… he was an avid golfer…he would say, “ Trust me, I’ll be better with the kids when they are older”…yeah…when they were older he left altogether. But that was probably for the best.

Well, anyway, the worst possible thing happened. A week before we, meaning the new boyfriend, my boys and me were supposed to leave, he called and said he had to talk to me. He sounded tense and serious. I thought something was wrong with his Dad (because he Dad was supposed to go in for some bypass surgery) but no…he said it was about us. So,I got a babysitter for that night and met him for coffee.

My heart was pounding and my tongue felt like a wad of cotton…but I was actually clueless about what was coming. But it was bad. He said, “Listen, I need to take a break. I can’t go on this vacation with you, or with the kids…I can’t step into this Dad role…we’ve been playing house…we hardly know each other…I’ll call you sometime…OK?…maybe we can be friends…” In retrospect, I wonder if there were “signs”…but at the time I was completely shocked. Should I have seen this coming?

Dr. J replies:

I don’t get the sense that you are good at reading the subtle cues by which couples signal one another about escalating involvement and attachment. While symbiotic or parasitic modes of relating truly are deadening, avoidance of vulnerability and interdependence does not help relationships develop “to the next level”, whatever that level may be. I would particularly caution about confusing sexual passion and genuine connection. In fact, when two people are not becoming friends at the same rate that they are having sex, gradually, the sexual passion will diminish. The very factors that constituted the “glue” of the early relationship must be supplemented by growing trust and genuine intimacy.

Intimacy problems and fears are universal. Yours are just more obvious, because you are not in a committed relationship, but I assure you many marriages suffer equally from a lack of true intimacy. Without any specifics, I can suggest some of the issues which make intimacy difficult to achieve and even more challenging to sustain.

These are offered in no order…what is salient for one person may be less salient for someone else. Becoming close to someone means letting them see aspects of you which you feel are undesirable, and perhaps even letting them in on what you consider your “deep dark secrets”, the parts of you which make you feel vulnerable, out-of-control, or weak.

There is no intimacy without risk and multiple moments of courageous self-revelation, and it takes courage precisely because there are no guarantees that your partner can embrace all of you, including what you struggle with in yourself. But such disclosures, properly paced, can build deep trust and texture in your love.

Another fraught arena concerns power and the ability and willingness to negotiate and compromise. Particularly as relationships have less defined gender roles, partnerships require empathy, flexibility, and willingness to modify comfortable patterns. Being able to do what you want when you want to do it may constitute autonomy for the single person, but can “selfishness” in a couple.

I think relationships are “living” systems that develop, just as people develop. As couples spend time together, the inevitable idealization of early infatuation is replaced by a fuller knowledge of the other. So, often couples pull away at the point where some of this idealization falls away. At such junctures, sometimes there is some sense of disappointment, and the uncomfortable awareness that the disappointment can go both ways.
This is a sensitive time, requiring some hope and faith that these feelings will evolve into a less idealized but also more substantial and realistic notion of what makes your partner “tick”. Intimacy requires that each partner tolerate being in a relationship in whch they are not seen as “perfect” and in which their partner is not “perfect” either. This in turn may require not only some healthy self-acceptance but also the capacity to forgive. However, these revised notions lack the fragility of idealizations and are far more likely to lead to feelings of being truly seen and hence truly loved.

Again, to return the questions implied at the beginning of this vignette,(and I realize you probably don’t want to hear this), a relational or interpersonal form of therapy might really be helpful, something which examines the “here and now” in the room, and which helps you identify the particular issues which jeopardize intimacy for you. While people often want to solve their “issues” without outside help, the key pieces of the puzzle are often not consciously available. Or, someone can’t put what they “know” into words to discuss it with someone they already trust. The existence of an unconscious means we can’t always figure out our own “stuff”. But that is precisely what relational therapies are good at, and hence it is their “beauty” in unlocking and revealing fears of intimacy.

I am 40 years old, healthy, divorced, no kids, a good income. I would describe myself as a “guy’s guy” if you know what I mean…I like action, sports, money, beer, cigars. I am impatient, goal oriented, ambitious, can have a bit of a rough mouth if I feel bossed around, but I have a good heart. I would say this temper thing was a big part of why my marriage didn’t work out. But I wouldn’t be reading this website if I didn’t have a whopper of a problem…worse to me than divorce.

Let me be clear…I don’t believe in therapy…its definitely not for me. I am not a talker. I go to the gym…that’s my therapy…and these days I am going all the time. Before work, after work. Too bad my penis isn’t a muscle! I’d be cured.

But I am curious about what you think about my problem.

If I go out with a woman who seems “nice” but not that attractive, I function pretty normally in bed. But if I meet a woman who I find really “hot”, someone I am really interested in, I ejaculate the second I come inside her. This is what I mean when I say “my penis is broken”. This pattern has happened to me on a bunch of occasions so it can’t be a fluke thing. I googled “erectile dysfunction” but it seemed to be mostly for guys who can’t get it up. Not my issue.

So, this is humiliating and infuriating. What is going on and how do it fix it?

Dr. J replies:

Your penis is not broken; quite the reverse…it is connected, as it should be, with your heart and your mind. I realize that you envy men who can function sexually regardless of the person they are with and how they feel about them. But apparently you are not wired to be that type of guy. What is so humiliating to you is your loss of control over your macho image, and your privacy. Your body is disclosing far more information than you wish.

What I noticed in your posting is that you make no reference to when this problem began and its relationship to your marriage and divorce. The impression I get is that you do not link the emotional consequences of your divorce to what is happening to you now. But perhaps that is something to think about. It suggests that this break-up has been quite painful and has stirred up issues around vulnerability and intimacy.

For a woman, being able to seduce a man with beauty or sex appeal is a kind of power. Women who are unattractive to you do not have that kind of power over you. You don’t crave them. They do not threaten your ability to simply walk away. So you have no “need” for a sexual symptom, and you function normally. A symptom frequently represents a conflict between a wish and a fear. It is a painful irony to be able to have sex with women who pose no threat, while being unable to be a more adequate lover to someone you see as desirable.

Desirable women, in the sense of obviously attractive women, are probably not only desirable to you, but to other men as well. So, your anxiety that you can’t “measure up” in this department probably only increases your feelings of inadequacy. So, it can create a self-perpetuating situation. The more anxious you are, the more quickly you are likely to ejaculate.

Sexual functioning is a complex matter, easily affected not only by self-esteem issues and competitive issues, but also by fears of closeness. I have written elsewhere on this blog about intimacy issues. Perhaps take a look at these postings to better understand what I mean by “fears of closeness”.

So… what do you do now?

Despite your current sense of humiliation, this is a symptom that exists, in part, because your mind and body are linked. As much as it frustrates you, it is ultimately an opportunity to learn about a reality which you try to reject or deny…that you are a person with feelings. Not just feelings which get in the way, but feelings which are essential radar for emotional survival, atunement to others, good judgment, and for a sense of purpose and fulfillment in your life as a whole.

Being a “macho man” is itself a stereotype, and stereotypes confine and restrict self-perceptions as well as perceptions of others. By defining yourself as a man who does not either have or value feelings, you are banishing a valuable part of yourself. It is as if you feel having feelings means you are not masculine, tough and strong. These are old ways of thinking which fortunately are losing their hold on American culture. They often contribute to a lonely and superficial existence.

So, premature ejaculation is like an alarm going off in the middle of the night…it means that there are emotional issues which need to be addressed. In the process of doing so, this is a symptom that often resolves itself spontaneously.

Dating takes time and you are not someone who can just have sex because you feel turned on. Part of maturity is accepting this. Some men can, but you cannot. Under your macho persona is a sensitive person, and this may come as an unwelcome surprise. You need to know someone and feel safe with them before you can have “good sex” with them. If you are sexually symptomatic, talk about it with your partner and pleasure her in other ways. Try to be optimistic that with the right person your functioning will become normal, although you may always be someone whose body will follow your heart.