I gleefully headed off to college shortly after the world fell apart on 9/11. Here I am, some 4 years later, a deflated recent grad. No one is hiring someone without much life experience and only slightly average grades. It didn’t take long to figure out I couldn’t spring for rent, and I’d have to move back home. A total bummer. I wake up in my old room, seeing high school prom photos. I feel a time warp around this. Like 4 years just disappeared. I was used to hanging out with my friends, staying out late, drinking, no one saying, ”All I ask is that you tell me when you are coming home for dinner”. This is my mom talking, in her sweet, guilt trippy way.

Its been a year now and no real job. Just odds and ends. My folks are getting to the nag,nag,nag stage. It’s doing a number on my self-esteem. “Are you sure you are really looking hard enough?” Or, “You know, you can’t be too picky in your situation”. I’m discouraged too and don’t need this from them. They think I have free rent and free food, so its not a bad deal. They don’t think about how I feel, namely, that I have lost my freedom and my privacy. Some distance is healthy…this feels bad, sticky. I try to remind myself this is mostly about a historical event, a recession, nothing personal, but I still feel like shit.

The first months home were ok. Now we are fighting about everything. They should be glad I am saving up to go to grad school so I can get out of here and on with my life. But the reality is…that is 2 years off. Any advice as to how to cope with this interim…it is really depressing.

Dr. J. replies;

There are no easy answers…this is a tough and all too common situation, and it helps to remember that your parents probably find it stressful and inconvenient too, even if they don’t let on. Why all the fighting?

People fight to make boundaries. You may remember this from your teenage years, and psychologically, this is not so different. This unwelcome reunion disrupts a basic developmental cycle, at least in our culture. Once adult children leave home, many parents look forward to having less responsibility. They can focus more on themselves, and have another chance at life as a couple. For you, being around them fosters a regressive pull towards being the child that is still dormant inside of you. They are also feeling a “cramp” in their freedom. Resentment builds on both sides.

There are a few things that help, even though they don’t alter the basic problem. Civility helps, rules help, clear expectations help; they can minimize your sense of entrapment. Doing your part, including paying some portion of the rent or mortgage, or sharing chores, lessens their sense of exploitation. Communicate your plans, even if this is a drag, so they know how to plan. No one could have forseen this outcome post graduation. It is always a bit of a blow to feel historical events shaping your life when you had hoped for more control. This phase of life is temporary, so try to make the best of it. Your parents won’t be around forever.

My husband and I have 2 daughters. The first one we conceived together, but after several years of trying for our second, we adopted a beautiful newborn girl. Fast forward to the present. Our oldest daughter has been “a force of nature”, just a very outgoing intense personality, gratifying but also a handful, pushing and testing us at every turn. But she’s a great girl, a good student, has friends and self-confidence. Her life is going well and we have no specific worries about her.

We were advised by the adoption agency to tell our second daughter that she was adopted early on… we told her when she was 7. I have often wondered if we should have waited. As she grew up she never seemed as secure as our other daughter. She was quiet and shy, almost “too good”. She also has asked us if we would ever put her up for adoption if she was “bad” or got bad grades in school. A heartbreaking question.

Now she is finishing high school and has a boyfriend… they are very involved. Most days they go to his house after school and have sex. This boy comes from a very dysfunctional family, and has few ambitions for himself. While I don’t like to be judgmental, I can’t help but feel the relationship is very unequal, and based on her insecurities about herself.

On her 18th birthday, she came home with her boyfriend’s name tattooed on her arm. SUPER conspicuous! My husband and I are shocked. I don’t understand why people get tattoos at all. A tattoo is irreversible! I am furious. I find it stupid and repulsive. My husband doesn’t like it but he says it is now “her life”. She is an adult in the eyes of the law. So…what is an appropriate response?

Dr. J replies,

My role is not to suggest anything specific to do, but rather some things to consider. Your daughter is struggling with what is and is not reversible in life. Her birth mother gave her up for adoption, and wonders if you and your spouse would ever do the same. While she may fear this, she may simultaneously have a fantasy that if you did give her up, she would get a better family, or certainly a different family. It is hard to be an adopted child when your sister is a biological child. It must also be hard for her to feel you love her as much as you love your biological daughter. Another common fantasy for adopted children is some hypothetical situation where her biological mother would reclaim her.

For an adopted child, aware that nothing can be taken for granted, even being raised by one’s own mother, the separation and individuation of growing up can be extremely threatening. Her boyfriend offers her love and support at a time of great vulnerability. Perhaps she senses your desire for her to leave home, not to be rid of her, but just to reclaim your adult life with your spouse.

Tatoos have become much more common although many parents find them distasteful and upsetting. The motivation to have them is very specific to each person, and more than one factor is usually at play. I can make only some speculations about your daughter.
She probably knows you will disapprove and hence she is experimenting with giving up her “good girl” persona. Yet she is still fears losing your love, so she waited until she was legally of age and you have less grounds to object. Tattoos are a means of proclaiming self and bodily ownership. Again there is a compromise in her decision; she gets a conspicuous and permanent tattoo, yet her boyfriend is about to be left behind, so the timing also is an acknowledgment that their relationship is transient. His name provides continuity with her past and a reminder that there is love to be found in other places besides home.

Returning to the theme of reversibility, it would not surprise me to learn that your daughter also knows there are procedures which can remove tattoos., that even these permanent emblems can disappear. Also, some provocative behavior from her is overdue: it is a sign she is growing stronger…it just surprises you because of her past docility. Reassure her that you will always be there to come home to, even she leaves for college, or “hooks up” with someone not to your liking.

My father is an immigrant, in poor health, and fearful of doctors. He lives alone and wants me with him at all his appointments. His English is poor. He has many medical crises and ends up in and out of emergency rooms. Taking care of him wears me out. I pity him but also feel frustrated. He won’t change his ways. He smokes, overeats, and won’t exercise. I want us to be close in this remaining time, yet I am always furious at him. Why am I so cold to him? I know he would change if he could.

Dr. J replies:

Caring for an aging and ill parent is exhausting and frequently unrewarding. I am sure you would rather believe your father would change if he could than see it as a “choice”. Yet part of you does register his refusal to help himself, and this makes you angry. While you may love him, he is also a burden. He may not understand the toll it takes on you, and even if he did, that would not change the situation. I don’t know if you are in a financial position to hire help, but there are social services available to ease the demands on you.

Another factor that often contributes to anger at a dying parent is a sense of imminent abandonment. Even though you may intellectually grasp that you are no longer a child needing his protection, there is always a dependent “child self” residing within the adult. So this part feels you are losing an indispensable relationship. To the extent that part of you still sees him as invulnerable or omnipotent, you may experience his dying as a betrayal. On the other hand, he may have been a disappointing parent, and you must face that you will never have a more adequate one. So, all of these factors may contribute to your feelings of anger.

Lastly, anger is a feeling which blocks out other feelings. As you indicated, you feel cold and detached, perhaps sometimes numb. These are all ways of coping. It may make caring for him more mechanical, less of an intrusion into your own life. Certainly, it eases your pain. However, this form of coping comes with a price, and the cost is regret. Without placing unrealistic expectations on yourself, see if you can find a way to communicate your warmer feelings, as well as your gratitude for whatever he has offered you.

Dear Dr. J,

My mother died two years ago, leaving my 77 year old step-father alone. My mother married him when I was a young teen, and I was never close to him. Now that he is widowed, he expects my family to be his family. Before this we visited them once a year, and spoke on the phone only intermittently.

He now feels entitled to a whole new level of connection, which I don’t want. He and I had a very awkward conversation about this. I finally burst out, “You are not even a real relative!” We both started to cry… I am not even sure why. I guess we both realize now how much my mother held the family together, and created a feeling of family that doesn’t exist without her. But what do I do now?

Dr. J. replies:

Even though your mother died 2 years ago, you and your father-in-law are both still mourning her and adjusting to her absence. So, both of you may feel more raw and needy than usual, and hence more entitled to have your needs met.

Another thing to think about is that you both are in uncharted territory as to appropriate attentiveness and expectations. The fact that he is not a blood relative is less relevant than superficial quality of your relationship since he joined your family, now many years ago.

Another factor is that you are at a phase in your life where many demands are being placed on you. You have a family, and I am assuming that means a partner and children, each with their own schedules and commitments. So, if your step-father is physically able to travel, you may need to explain to him why “visiting” is probably going to mean his coming to see you, not vice versa. I can’t tell from this brief synopsis whether you really want to be “attentive” (and what that would entail), or if just feel it is your obligation, perhaps out of respect for your mother.

If your step-father is not computer literate, suggest that he become so. Email contact may help to him feel connected while not absorbing too much of your time. If you could have a conversation in which you could acknowledge his unmet expectations, that would be very helpful. Tell him you are aware that you are disappointing him. Do so with kindness rather than self-righteousness. It will be easier for him to tolerate your limitations than your obliviousness.

Certainly gently encourage him to rebuild his life. That may gradually ease his loneliness, and hence the implicit and explicit demands on you. We live in a time when transgenerational expectations are relatively undefined, and this is contributing to a good deal of the tension between you. Your outburst suggests you feel a lot of pressure to be the caretaker. It may be that over time you will both redefine your relationship to one another.