My husband and I have 2 daughters. The first one we conceived together, but after several years of trying for our second, we adopted a beautiful newborn girl. Fast forward to the present. Our oldest daughter has been “a force of nature”, just a very outgoing intense personality, gratifying but also a handful, pushing and testing us at every turn. But she’s a great girl, a good student, has friends and self-confidence. Her life is going well and we have no specific worries about her.

We were advised by the adoption agency to tell our second daughter that she was adopted early on… we told her when she was 7. I have often wondered if we should have waited. As she grew up she never seemed as secure as our other daughter. She was quiet and shy, almost “too good”. She also has asked us if we would ever put her up for adoption if she was “bad” or got bad grades in school. A heartbreaking question.

Now she is finishing high school and has a boyfriend… they are very involved. Most days they go to his house after school and have sex. This boy comes from a very dysfunctional family, and has few ambitions for himself. While I don’t like to be judgmental, I can’t help but feel the relationship is very unequal, and based on her insecurities about herself.

On her 18th birthday, she came home with her boyfriend’s name tattooed on her arm. SUPER conspicuous! My husband and I are shocked. I don’t understand why people get tattoos at all. A tattoo is irreversible! I am furious. I find it stupid and repulsive. My husband doesn’t like it but he says it is now “her life”. She is an adult in the eyes of the law. So…what is an appropriate response?

Dr. J replies,

My role is not to suggest anything specific to do, but rather some things to consider. Your daughter is struggling with what is and is not reversible in life. Her birth mother gave her up for adoption, and wonders if you and your spouse would ever do the same. While she may fear this, she may simultaneously have a fantasy that if you did give her up, she would get a better family, or certainly a different family. It is hard to be an adopted child when your sister is a biological child. It must also be hard for her to feel you love her as much as you love your biological daughter. Another common fantasy for adopted children is some hypothetical situation where her biological mother would reclaim her.

For an adopted child, aware that nothing can be taken for granted, even being raised by one’s own mother, the separation and individuation of growing up can be extremely threatening. Her boyfriend offers her love and support at a time of great vulnerability. Perhaps she senses your desire for her to leave home, not to be rid of her, but just to reclaim your adult life with your spouse.

Tatoos have become much more common although many parents find them distasteful and upsetting. The motivation to have them is very specific to each person, and more than one factor is usually at play. I can make only some speculations about your daughter.
She probably knows you will disapprove and hence she is experimenting with giving up her “good girl” persona. Yet she is still fears losing your love, so she waited until she was legally of age and you have less grounds to object. Tattoos are a means of proclaiming self and bodily ownership. Again there is a compromise in her decision; she gets a conspicuous and permanent tattoo, yet her boyfriend is about to be left behind, so the timing also is an acknowledgment that their relationship is transient. His name provides continuity with her past and a reminder that there is love to be found in other places besides home.

Returning to the theme of reversibility, it would not surprise me to learn that your daughter also knows there are procedures which can remove tattoos., that even these permanent emblems can disappear. Also, some provocative behavior from her is overdue: it is a sign she is growing stronger…it just surprises you because of her past docility. Reassure her that you will always be there to come home to, even she leaves for college, or “hooks up” with someone not to your liking.

My daughter is 15. We fight incessantly. My husband says I need to be the adult, but I get so enraged that I explode. This happens at least once a day and it is creating havoc in our household. Our son, who is 18, and college-bound, stays at his friend’s house because he hates the screaming. I feel like a failure as a mother. My husband, daughter and son all seem united “against me”. I feel that no one in the family respects me. Do you have any suggestions? I feel very discouraged.

Dr. J replies,

Fortunately, adolescence does not last forever. In the meantime, it seems that your daughter has split you and your husband, and he is being critical at a time when you desperately need his support. However, you have given your daughter the power to regulate your self-esteem, more power than is good for either of you. She is not your peer.
Your self esteem cannot rest on her approval. You will feel better about yourself when you get your own temper under control. Then you can feel like an adult with a steamy teen.

If your daughter has her own room, I suggest that the moment she begins to insult or demean you, you quietly yet firmly tell her to go to her room. Terminate any conversation in which there is obvious “attitude”. Tell her you are willing to talk when her tone is appropriate. This approach is amazing effective if you are unerringly consistent and speak from a place of clarity, not turmoil.

Another technique, which seems simplistic, may also be helpful. Walk away or even briefly leave the house…until you are back in control. Don’t hesitate to say you need time to reflect before you respond to a demand. As much as you and your daughter struggle, remember that she needs a mother, and wants you to be able to survive her attacks intact.

As for your son, the screaming may or may not be why he leaves home. He is at an age where he needs to separate.The tension provides a pretext in which he can experiment with leaving and returning.

Lastly, arrange to talk with other mothers, perhaps the mothers of your daughter’s friends. You are likely to hear some similar stories. This may shore up your shaky self-esteem.