I do not hesitate to tell “white lies”. For example, I’ll say “I’m busy” to avoid an unwelcome social request. I’ll say I wasn’t home when I didn’t want to answer the phone. I don’t think about the fact that it could be urgent. Most things are not really urgent. In the course of a recent conversation, someone I respect asked me if considered myself an honest person. I realized that I paused…I didn’t just say “yes”. In fact, we both noticed it. The conversation went on like nothing notable had happened. However, privately I felt unsettled. I think of honesty as so important. Yet, I wonder if I am an honest person. It seems like it should be a straight-forward question, “yes” or “no”. What do you think?

Dr. J replies:

Many things which seem straightforward “on paper”, are in fact nuanced and complex. I don’t think honesty can be isolated from motivation and intentionality but there are those who would disagree. Certainly, decisions about social behavior do require reflection and honesty with one’s self. I would urge suspicion in most claims to be doing something deceitful for someone else’s benefit. I think personal integrity can co-exist with “white lies” in the service of tact or sparing minor emotional injuries. However, untruths should never be undertaken lightly, as it is a “slippery slope” to more serious betrayals.

I would urge you to consider whether a particular “white lie”, unexpectedly discovered, would significantly damage your relationship. Would you be prepared to take responsibility for the consequences?

Over time, most lies and secrets have a way of surfacing. People who tell many white lies at some point forget one of them, and are then justifiably perceived as untrustworthy. So the outcome of something thoughtless and casual may be extremely serious.

“White lies” also deprive you of the opportunity to learn if you have underestimated someone. Relationships grow when such small risks are met with empathy. There is nothing more precious than trust. Once broken, it may never be repaired. So, tell a “white lie” at your peril, and strive to be as honest as you can. Not surprisingly, the more intimate the relationship, the higher the stakes for
integrity and the more difficult it is to sustain.