I dated this guy for about 2 months and I thought, ”Wow, this could really work”. He even seemed enthusiastic about being the step-dad to my two young sons. We started planning this vacation together with the boys…taking them to Disney. I was so thrilled because this is something my husband would never have done. My ex… he was an avid golfer…he would say, “ Trust me, I’ll be better with the kids when they are older”…yeah…when they were older he left altogether. But that was probably for the best.

Well, anyway, the worst possible thing happened. A week before we, meaning the new boyfriend, my boys and me were supposed to leave, he called and said he had to talk to me. He sounded tense and serious. I thought something was wrong with his Dad (because he Dad was supposed to go in for some bypass surgery) but no…he said it was about us. So,I got a babysitter for that night and met him for coffee.

My heart was pounding and my tongue felt like a wad of cotton…but I was actually clueless about what was coming. But it was bad. He said, “Listen, I need to take a break. I can’t go on this vacation with you, or with the kids…I can’t step into this Dad role…we’ve been playing house…we hardly know each other…I’ll call you sometime…OK?…maybe we can be friends…” In retrospect, I wonder if there were “signs”…but at the time I was completely shocked. Should I have seen this coming?

Dr. J replies:

I don’t get the sense that you are good at reading the subtle cues by which couples signal one another about escalating involvement and attachment. While symbiotic or parasitic modes of relating truly are deadening, avoidance of vulnerability and interdependence does not help relationships develop “to the next level”, whatever that level may be. I would particularly caution about confusing sexual passion and genuine connection. In fact, when two people are not becoming friends at the same rate that they are having sex, gradually, the sexual passion will diminish. The very factors that constituted the “glue” of the early relationship must be supplemented by growing trust and genuine intimacy.

Intimacy problems and fears are universal. Yours are just more obvious, because you are not in a committed relationship, but I assure you many marriages suffer equally from a lack of true intimacy. Without any specifics, I can suggest some of the issues which make intimacy difficult to achieve and even more challenging to sustain.

These are offered in no order…what is salient for one person may be less salient for someone else. Becoming close to someone means letting them see aspects of you which you feel are undesirable, and perhaps even letting them in on what you consider your “deep dark secrets”, the parts of you which make you feel vulnerable, out-of-control, or weak.

There is no intimacy without risk and multiple moments of courageous self-revelation, and it takes courage precisely because there are no guarantees that your partner can embrace all of you, including what you struggle with in yourself. But such disclosures, properly paced, can build deep trust and texture in your love.

Another fraught arena concerns power and the ability and willingness to negotiate and compromise. Particularly as relationships have less defined gender roles, partnerships require empathy, flexibility, and willingness to modify comfortable patterns. Being able to do what you want when you want to do it may constitute autonomy for the single person, but can “selfishness” in a couple.

I think relationships are “living” systems that develop, just as people develop. As couples spend time together, the inevitable idealization of early infatuation is replaced by a fuller knowledge of the other. So, often couples pull away at the point where some of this idealization falls away. At such junctures, sometimes there is some sense of disappointment, and the uncomfortable awareness that the disappointment can go both ways.
This is a sensitive time, requiring some hope and faith that these feelings will evolve into a less idealized but also more substantial and realistic notion of what makes your partner “tick”. Intimacy requires that each partner tolerate being in a relationship in whch they are not seen as “perfect” and in which their partner is not “perfect” either. This in turn may require not only some healthy self-acceptance but also the capacity to forgive. However, these revised notions lack the fragility of idealizations and are far more likely to lead to feelings of being truly seen and hence truly loved.

Again, to return the questions implied at the beginning of this vignette,(and I realize you probably don’t want to hear this), a relational or interpersonal form of therapy might really be helpful, something which examines the “here and now” in the room, and which helps you identify the particular issues which jeopardize intimacy for you. While people often want to solve their “issues” without outside help, the key pieces of the puzzle are often not consciously available. Or, someone can’t put what they “know” into words to discuss it with someone they already trust. The existence of an unconscious means we can’t always figure out our own “stuff”. But that is precisely what relational therapies are good at, and hence it is their “beauty” in unlocking and revealing fears of intimacy.

Dr. J replies:

I think it would be helpful to think about whether you see your partner as collaborative or combative in general. If you usually function as a team and the situation with the dishes is an exception, you have two choices. Gracefully accept his version of clean, or do the dishes yourself. All relationships have hidden inequities, and, ironically each partner may feel he or she does just a bit more of the “work”. It is probably more important to keep your relationship intact than have him do the dishes. Role differentiation has been around a lot longer than role equality. No arrangement guarantees harmony.

My wife has gained a lot of weight since we had our 3 children. She now has a belly and big hips and still looks pregnant to me. Maybe that is an overstatement, but her shape is a lot more like my own mother’s figure than like the woman I married. I feel superficial, but it bothers me a lot. Aren’t most men like that? I feel it means she doesn’t care about me. I find myself fantasizing about women in porn magazines, and masturbating rather than approaching her. This isn’t a good way to deal with it, but I don’t feel I can say anything because I am somewhat overweight myself. Do you have any advice?

Dr J replies:

I think there are several issues here.

You are, as you state, angry about her weight gain, taking it as a sign she doesn’t care about you, or desire you sexually, or both. However, from your description, you are the one not desiring her. Is this a topic that could be broached with some tact, helping you to understand whether or not it really is, as you fear, about her loss of interest in you?

I suspect there are other things making you angry besides her love handles. Perhaps her attention to your children has limited her availability to you, so that you feel either neglected or excluded. There is some reality to the fact that at this time in your relationship, she cannot be the wife that she was in numerous ways. Your feelings about her weight may be a “psychological shorthand” for your feeling like much less of an emotional priority. I would also wonder about your own level of maturity or self-centeredness. Can you tolerate a period in which you do not come first without undue resentment?

Your associations to her weight gain may provide also clues to why these extra pounds are particularly troubling to you. You write that she looks “still pregnant” or has a figure reminiscent of your mother. Nothing is more sexually taboo than sex with a mother, especially your own mother. I would wonder if you wish you could be the recipient of her maternal love, possibly placing you in competition with your own children, a competition in which you must invariably lose. On the other hand, you may fear that in some way she has actually become like your mother, and that makes her “off limits” sexually.

As people age, some pay more attention to their appearance than others. Women frequently gain weight after pregnancies and find it difficult to lose. The culture puts more pressure on women to remain slim than on men, and also communicates that men, especially if they are good providers, are “entitled” to sexy wives.

This double standard is outdated. Both spouses should make an effort to remain attractive, not only for their partners but for themselves. However, appearance alone does not sustain intimacy or sexual passion. If physical beauty were the primary basis for sexual vitality, there would not be so many “trophy wives” in sexually dead marriages. If the two of you could talk together with some candor, you might be able to defuse some of your grievances.

There is nothing wrong with a spicy fantasy life or with masturbation. Many married people continue to pleasure themselves upon occasion. But if it replaces sexual desire for your partner, it is a sign that other issues require attention.

I have been married for 2 years now. On Valentine’s Day,my husband and I had a romantic dinner. In the middle of the meal my husband said he had a special surprise for me. He handed me an envelope with a hefty check inside. I said, “What is this about?”

He said it was to pay for my “boob job”. I was shocked. We had never discussed this…I didn’t know it was an issue for him and it has never been an issue for me. I am a tall and slim woman, with blue eyes and long, naturally blonde hair. He always said I was beautiful. Suppose I said to him, “Honey, let’s get your genitals enlarged”. I am angry and hurt. I have been sleeping on the couch, fantasizing about leaving him. Is this a glitch or a terrible thing that happened?

Dr. J replies:

There is no question that this was very insensitive on your husband’s part, packaged as a Valentine’s Day “gift”, apparently a gift for him, not for you. Despite its apparent innocence, it was handled in a destructive way and demeaning way, unless this is just a more obvious example of an ongoing dynamic in the marriage to devalue you.

There are several issues that seem urgent here. The two of you have poor communication skills and I suspect this is just the “tip of the iceberg” in terms of a lack of real intimacy and understanding.

I wonder why your husband seeks this stereotypical sexiness in you at all, and why is this issue surfacing now…you certainly sound like an alluring woman as you are. I wonder if something in his life is making him feel insecure or diminished, and oddly, changing your appearance seems to be the “answer”. Is he a sadist in sheep’s clothing?

You should feel comfortable rejecting any cosmetic procedure, especially something you do not desire for yourself. I think what is most salient about this incident is that it exposes unacknowledged trouble in your marriage. That, not surgery, is what needs to be addressed.