My wife has gained a lot of weight since we had our 3 children. She now has a belly and big hips and still looks pregnant to me. Maybe that is an overstatement, but her shape is a lot more like my own mother’s figure than like the woman I married. I feel superficial, but it bothers me a lot. Aren’t most men like that? I feel it means she doesn’t care about me. I find myself fantasizing about women in porn magazines, and masturbating rather than approaching her. This isn’t a good way to deal with it, but I don’t feel I can say anything because I am somewhat overweight myself. Do you have any advice?

Dr J replies:

I think there are several issues here.

You are, as you state, angry about her weight gain, taking it as a sign she doesn’t care about you, or desire you sexually, or both. However, from your description, you are the one not desiring her. Is this a topic that could be broached with some tact, helping you to understand whether or not it really is, as you fear, about her loss of interest in you?

I suspect there are other things making you angry besides her love handles. Perhaps her attention to your children has limited her availability to you, so that you feel either neglected or excluded. There is some reality to the fact that at this time in your relationship, she cannot be the wife that she was in numerous ways. Your feelings about her weight may be a “psychological shorthand” for your feeling like much less of an emotional priority. I would also wonder about your own level of maturity or self-centeredness. Can you tolerate a period in which you do not come first without undue resentment?

Your associations to her weight gain may provide also clues to why these extra pounds are particularly troubling to you. You write that she looks “still pregnant” or has a figure reminiscent of your mother. Nothing is more sexually taboo than sex with a mother, especially your own mother. I would wonder if you wish you could be the recipient of her maternal love, possibly placing you in competition with your own children, a competition in which you must invariably lose. On the other hand, you may fear that in some way she has actually become like your mother, and that makes her “off limits” sexually.

As people age, some pay more attention to their appearance than others. Women frequently gain weight after pregnancies and find it difficult to lose. The culture puts more pressure on women to remain slim than on men, and also communicates that men, especially if they are good providers, are “entitled” to sexy wives.

This double standard is outdated. Both spouses should make an effort to remain attractive, not only for their partners but for themselves. However, appearance alone does not sustain intimacy or sexual passion. If physical beauty were the primary basis for sexual vitality, there would not be so many “trophy wives” in sexually dead marriages. If the two of you could talk together with some candor, you might be able to defuse some of your grievances.

There is nothing wrong with a spicy fantasy life or with masturbation. Many married people continue to pleasure themselves upon occasion. But if it replaces sexual desire for your partner, it is a sign that other issues require attention.

I have been married for 2 years now. On Valentine’s Day,my husband and I had a romantic dinner. In the middle of the meal my husband said he had a special surprise for me. He handed me an envelope with a hefty check inside. I said, “What is this about?”

He said it was to pay for my “boob job”. I was shocked. We had never discussed this…I didn’t know it was an issue for him and it has never been an issue for me. I am a tall and slim woman, with blue eyes and long, naturally blonde hair. He always said I was beautiful. Suppose I said to him, “Honey, let’s get your genitals enlarged”. I am angry and hurt. I have been sleeping on the couch, fantasizing about leaving him. Is this a glitch or a terrible thing that happened?

Dr. J replies:

There is no question that this was very insensitive on your husband’s part, packaged as a Valentine’s Day “gift”, apparently a gift for him, not for you. Despite its apparent innocence, it was handled in a destructive way and demeaning way, unless this is just a more obvious example of an ongoing dynamic in the marriage to devalue you.

There are several issues that seem urgent here. The two of you have poor communication skills and I suspect this is just the “tip of the iceberg” in terms of a lack of real intimacy and understanding.

I wonder why your husband seeks this stereotypical sexiness in you at all, and why is this issue surfacing now…you certainly sound like an alluring woman as you are. I wonder if something in his life is making him feel insecure or diminished, and oddly, changing your appearance seems to be the “answer”. Is he a sadist in sheep’s clothing?

You should feel comfortable rejecting any cosmetic procedure, especially something you do not desire for yourself. I think what is most salient about this incident is that it exposes unacknowledged trouble in your marriage. That, not surgery, is what needs to be addressed.

I recently arrived at college, coming from a small town. It is overwhelming. I am having sexual fantasies that are freaking me out.

My roommate is very sophisticated and smart, with nice clothes and big breasts. She walks around our room in her underwear. I masturbate under the covers at night. She came back early from some event and I think she suspected it. Maybe she smelled it. I was mortified and pretended to be asleep. What upset me the most was realizing that I was thinking about her when I was doing it. I am not very experienced about sex and grew up in a religious Catholic family. I feel this is so abnormal. My parents could never face this. Does it mean that I’ll never get married and have kids? I am really shattered. Please help me.

Dr. J replies:

You do sound anguished.

Everyone has sexual fantasies. The relationship between sexual fantasies and real life behavior is extremely complex. Even experts in the field of sexuality acknowledge that we are only beginning to learn about gender identity and how that is related to the gender of chosen partners. No set of fantasies is diagnostic of anything “obvious”, like being a lesbian.

Many people believe that everyone is born bisexual and complex permutations of nature and nurture determine a consolidated sexual orientation in adulthood.
Experimentation with same sex play is found among children and adolescents, but increasingly among adults as well. Rigid gender divisions are dissolving. People perceived as heterosexual may enjoy lesbian or homosexual fantasies. The reverse is true for homosexual and lesbians. We contain many tendencies, some enacted and some not even known to ourselves. These are all normal as long as they do not lead to the abuse of others or non-consensual sex with minors.

You are understandably frightened by your sexual confusion. You need a safe and private place to explore your feelings. It is premature to involve your family. Notice what you are feeling, but try not to leap to conclusions. Most colleges have staff psychologists; you should make an appointment. Be aware that some professionals are more open-minded than others.