My father is an immigrant, in poor health, and fearful of doctors. He lives alone and wants me with him at all his appointments. His English is poor. He has many medical crises and ends up in and out of emergency rooms. Taking care of him wears me out. I pity him but also feel frustrated. He won’t change his ways. He smokes, overeats, and won’t exercise. I want us to be close in this remaining time, yet I am always furious at him. Why am I so cold to him? I know he would change if he could.

Dr. J replies:

Caring for an aging and ill parent is exhausting and frequently unrewarding. I am sure you would rather believe your father would change if he could than see it as a “choice”. Yet part of you does register his refusal to help himself, and this makes you angry. While you may love him, he is also a burden. He may not understand the toll it takes on you, and even if he did, that would not change the situation. I don’t know if you are in a financial position to hire help, but there are social services available to ease the demands on you.

Another factor that often contributes to anger at a dying parent is a sense of imminent abandonment. Even though you may intellectually grasp that you are no longer a child needing his protection, there is always a dependent “child self” residing within the adult. So this part feels you are losing an indispensable relationship. To the extent that part of you still sees him as invulnerable or omnipotent, you may experience his dying as a betrayal. On the other hand, he may have been a disappointing parent, and you must face that you will never have a more adequate one. So, all of these factors may contribute to your feelings of anger.

Lastly, anger is a feeling which blocks out other feelings. As you indicated, you feel cold and detached, perhaps sometimes numb. These are all ways of coping. It may make caring for him more mechanical, less of an intrusion into your own life. Certainly, it eases your pain. However, this form of coping comes with a price, and the cost is regret. Without placing unrealistic expectations on yourself, see if you can find a way to communicate your warmer feelings, as well as your gratitude for whatever he has offered you.

My daughter is 15. We fight incessantly. My husband says I need to be the adult, but I get so enraged that I explode. This happens at least once a day and it is creating havoc in our household. Our son, who is 18, and college-bound, stays at his friend’s house because he hates the screaming. I feel like a failure as a mother. My husband, daughter and son all seem united “against me”. I feel that no one in the family respects me. Do you have any suggestions? I feel very discouraged.

Dr. J replies,

Fortunately, adolescence does not last forever. In the meantime, it seems that your daughter has split you and your husband, and he is being critical at a time when you desperately need his support. However, you have given your daughter the power to regulate your self-esteem, more power than is good for either of you. She is not your peer.
Your self esteem cannot rest on her approval. You will feel better about yourself when you get your own temper under control. Then you can feel like an adult with a steamy teen.

If your daughter has her own room, I suggest that the moment she begins to insult or demean you, you quietly yet firmly tell her to go to her room. Terminate any conversation in which there is obvious “attitude”. Tell her you are willing to talk when her tone is appropriate. This approach is amazing effective if you are unerringly consistent and speak from a place of clarity, not turmoil.

Another technique, which seems simplistic, may also be helpful. Walk away or even briefly leave the house…until you are back in control. Don’t hesitate to say you need time to reflect before you respond to a demand. As much as you and your daughter struggle, remember that she needs a mother, and wants you to be able to survive her attacks intact.

As for your son, the screaming may or may not be why he leaves home. He is at an age where he needs to separate.The tension provides a pretext in which he can experiment with leaving and returning.

Lastly, arrange to talk with other mothers, perhaps the mothers of your daughter’s friends. You are likely to hear some similar stories. This may shore up your shaky self-esteem.