I have been married for 2 years now. On Valentine’s Day,my husband and I had a romantic dinner. In the middle of the meal my husband said he had a special surprise for me. He handed me an envelope with a hefty check inside. I said, “What is this about?”

He said it was to pay for my “boob job”. I was shocked. We had never discussed this…I didn’t know it was an issue for him and it has never been an issue for me. I am a tall and slim woman, with blue eyes and long, naturally blonde hair. He always said I was beautiful. Suppose I said to him, “Honey, let’s get your genitals enlarged”. I am angry and hurt. I have been sleeping on the couch, fantasizing about leaving him. Is this a glitch or a terrible thing that happened?

Dr. J replies:

There is no question that this was very insensitive on your husband’s part, packaged as a Valentine’s Day “gift”, apparently a gift for him, not for you. Despite its apparent innocence, it was handled in a destructive way and demeaning way, unless this is just a more obvious example of an ongoing dynamic in the marriage to devalue you.

There are several issues that seem urgent here. The two of you have poor communication skills and I suspect this is just the “tip of the iceberg” in terms of a lack of real intimacy and understanding.

I wonder why your husband seeks this stereotypical sexiness in you at all, and why is this issue surfacing now…you certainly sound like an alluring woman as you are. I wonder if something in his life is making him feel insecure or diminished, and oddly, changing your appearance seems to be the “answer”. Is he a sadist in sheep’s clothing?

You should feel comfortable rejecting any cosmetic procedure, especially something you do not desire for yourself. I think what is most salient about this incident is that it exposes unacknowledged trouble in your marriage. That, not surgery, is what needs to be addressed.

I live with a roommate in Manhattan, a nice guy. We went to college together. For the first month or so, we were psyched about having a grown-up place. Then he started dating this ridiculous girl. She is horribly messy, and gradually he got messy as well. The two of them just trash this place and think it’s funny. I am embarrassed to be living in a pigsty. I am an adult now, not a kid. My roommate says I am over-reacting…that I just shouldn’t do the clean up, and then I won’t be mad. He says, “Just relax, man, folks our age don’t give a shit”…that kind of thing. I am considering breaking our lease and moving out…but that does seem a bit “over the top”. Plus I hate confrontations. What do you suggest?

Dr. J replies,

On the surface of this, this is a situation in which you are being blackmailed with your distaste for confrontation.
If you and you roommate have known one another since college days, he must know or intuit this about you. On the other hand, you bear some responsibility for getting yourself into this situation. You chose to live with someone who clearly has little regard for your feelings. So, while this seems to be a situation about messiness, I think a different level of messiness is more the issue, meaning that you made this arrangement without knowing “emotionally” who you were choosing to live with.

This is an occasion where no one will protect you if you don’t protect yourself. Many people prefer to avoid confrontations, but sometimes they are necessary. However, there is a crucial difference between self-assertion and aggression. Your comments imply a very “all or nothing” stance. There is usually a middle ground. Simply leaving, with no discussion, is not helpful for your self esteem or for developing interpersonal skills.

The very fabric of civilization depends on rules, dialogue and mutual respect. Consider this an opportunity. Words are powerful tools. See if you can use them to turn a bad situation around.