My father is an immigrant, in poor health, and fearful of doctors. He lives alone and wants me with him at all his appointments. His English is poor. He has many medical crises and ends up in and out of emergency rooms. Taking care of him wears me out. I pity him but also feel frustrated. He won’t change his ways. He smokes, overeats, and won’t exercise. I want us to be close in this remaining time, yet I am always furious at him. Why am I so cold to him? I know he would change if he could.

Dr. J replies:

Caring for an aging and ill parent is exhausting and frequently unrewarding. I am sure you would rather believe your father would change if he could than see it as a “choice”. Yet part of you does register his refusal to help himself, and this makes you angry. While you may love him, he is also a burden. He may not understand the toll it takes on you, and even if he did, that would not change the situation. I don’t know if you are in a financial position to hire help, but there are social services available to ease the demands on you.

Another factor that often contributes to anger at a dying parent is a sense of imminent abandonment. Even though you may intellectually grasp that you are no longer a child needing his protection, there is always a dependent “child self” residing within the adult. So this part feels you are losing an indispensable relationship. To the extent that part of you still sees him as invulnerable or omnipotent, you may experience his dying as a betrayal. On the other hand, he may have been a disappointing parent, and you must face that you will never have a more adequate one. So, all of these factors may contribute to your feelings of anger.

Lastly, anger is a feeling which blocks out other feelings. As you indicated, you feel cold and detached, perhaps sometimes numb. These are all ways of coping. It may make caring for him more mechanical, less of an intrusion into your own life. Certainly, it eases your pain. However, this form of coping comes with a price, and the cost is regret. Without placing unrealistic expectations on yourself, see if you can find a way to communicate your warmer feelings, as well as your gratitude for whatever he has offered you.