I recently arrived at college, coming from a small town. It is overwhelming. I am having sexual fantasies that are freaking me out.

My roommate is very sophisticated and smart, with nice clothes and big breasts. She walks around our room in her underwear. I masturbate under the covers at night. She came back early from some event and I think she suspected it. Maybe she smelled it. I was mortified and pretended to be asleep. What upset me the most was realizing that I was thinking about her when I was doing it. I am not very experienced about sex and grew up in a religious Catholic family. I feel this is so abnormal. My parents could never face this. Does it mean that I’ll never get married and have kids? I am really shattered. Please help me.

Dr. J replies:

You do sound anguished.

Everyone has sexual fantasies. The relationship between sexual fantasies and real life behavior is extremely complex. Even experts in the field of sexuality acknowledge that we are only beginning to learn about gender identity and how that is related to the gender of chosen partners. No set of fantasies is diagnostic of anything “obvious”, like being a lesbian.

Many people believe that everyone is born bisexual and complex permutations of nature and nurture determine a consolidated sexual orientation in adulthood.
Experimentation with same sex play is found among children and adolescents, but increasingly among adults as well. Rigid gender divisions are dissolving. People perceived as heterosexual may enjoy lesbian or homosexual fantasies. The reverse is true for homosexual and lesbians. We contain many tendencies, some enacted and some not even known to ourselves. These are all normal as long as they do not lead to the abuse of others or non-consensual sex with minors.

You are understandably frightened by your sexual confusion. You need a safe and private place to explore your feelings. It is premature to involve your family. Notice what you are feeling, but try not to leap to conclusions. Most colleges have staff psychologists; you should make an appointment. Be aware that some professionals are more open-minded than others.