I am a school librarian. Since my mother died, I have lived alone…we used to live together. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I got her a cat. Even during her worst days with chemo, that cat could make her smile. The problem is…the cat is pretty old now. She pees everywhere. Yet I cover things, I don’t mind. My vet said, “You know, Mabel, maybe it’s time”. I have felt pretty depressed since then. I feel she should have a natural death. I believe cats have souls. I don’t see much difference between animals and people in this regard. This cat has been a better friend to me than my other “friends” who never make time for me. But I do respect this vet and feel confused about what to do.

Dr. J replies:

Your cat is not just a cat, but loyal and devoted companion. She is “friend” to you in your loneliness. Symbolically, she is a link to the presence and spirit of your mother.

As attached as many people become to their pets, your isolation intensifies your attachment, until, for you, your cat has the full status of a person. As long as your cat seems content, and you don’t mind her incontinence, there is no reason to “put the cat to sleep”. Those euphemistic phrases… “to put to sleep” or “to put down” are ways to downplay the whole topic of death. I think you might talk with your vet, trying to ascertain whether this remark reflects his/her attitudes and values and not yours. Also ask whether he/she was trying to protect you from learning of a more serious health issue for your pet.

However, you need to prepare yourself to lose this beloved but aging cat. Should you acquire another, it may take a while to come to love it as you did the other, and it will be a different cat with its own unique personality, not exactly like the special older cat who connected you to your mother. Beyond the issue of the cat, I am concerned about your state of isolation, and wonder if it is a sign of an ongoing depression. I wonder if you have fully mourned your mother.

Mourning is complicated by, not facilitated by ambivalence, a complex blend of loving and hating feelings towards someone else. You may have more complex feelings towards your mother than your realize. It sounds like you two lived together for most of your adult life and then she “abandoned you” by dying.

I don’t in any way underestimate the love and rapport that may exist between pets and their owners… they are ideal “friends”, particularly for people who can’t risk the perils of human connection. But pets can also be a bridge to courage; to reaching out to a human friend, someone to empathize and understand you in a different way.