I have been married for 2 years now. On Valentine’s Day,my husband and I had a romantic dinner. In the middle of the meal my husband said he had a special surprise for me. He handed me an envelope with a hefty check inside. I said, “What is this about?”

He said it was to pay for my “boob job”. I was shocked. We had never discussed this…I didn’t know it was an issue for him and it has never been an issue for me. I am a tall and slim woman, with blue eyes and long, naturally blonde hair. He always said I was beautiful. Suppose I said to him, “Honey, let’s get your genitals enlarged”. I am angry and hurt. I have been sleeping on the couch, fantasizing about leaving him. Is this a glitch or a terrible thing that happened?

Dr. J replies:

There is no question that this was very insensitive on your husband’s part, packaged as a Valentine’s Day “gift”, apparently a gift for him, not for you. Despite its apparent innocence, it was handled in a destructive way and demeaning way, unless this is just a more obvious example of an ongoing dynamic in the marriage to devalue you.

There are several issues that seem urgent here. The two of you have poor communication skills and I suspect this is just the “tip of the iceberg” in terms of a lack of real intimacy and understanding.

I wonder why your husband seeks this stereotypical sexiness in you at all, and why is this issue surfacing now…you certainly sound like an alluring woman as you are. I wonder if something in his life is making him feel insecure or diminished, and oddly, changing your appearance seems to be the “answer”. Is he a sadist in sheep’s clothing?

You should feel comfortable rejecting any cosmetic procedure, especially something you do not desire for yourself. I think what is most salient about this incident is that it exposes unacknowledged trouble in your marriage. That, not surgery, is what needs to be addressed.